I’m just living.
Yesterday I finally left to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life, but not without out a week long stop in San Diego, California.
As I boarded the plane and said my final goodbyes to my dad and boyfriend, I felt no ounce of sadness in me. Yeah, I’m leaving my family and boyfriend for six months, but it’s hard for me to be upset when I’ve worked so hard for this. This is what I’ve wanted since I was little; this has been what I daydream about. I boarded the plane, and I was off, not looking back, and wishing to dear god I would actually sleep the whole flight to California. Fortunately, I slept. I actually slept a lot, with the quiet humming of the man snoring next to me. The flight was filled with laughter, inexperienced fliers, and lots of screaming children, but I didn’t care. I was half dazed from my slumber, and full of anxiety filled excitement.
The anxiety started hitting me on that flight. I became worried that I wasn’t ready for this adventure, that I would miss having the normalcy and security I had back home. I thought about the security of having a routine, and knowing that routine like the back of my hand. Right now, I have no routine; I do not know what to expect. I thought about this for awhile, and the anxiety grew. The plane landed, and I was brought back to reality from the bustle of people too eagerly trying to leave the plane.
The heat hit me, the sun burned my eyes, and I realized how ill dressed I was for San Diego weather; I was wearing a scarf, jacket, and pants. A smile swept over my face, filling me with ease. I felt at home, like I always do when I visit San Diego. I saw the familiar face of my older brother, and more anxiety dissipated from my body. The anxiety I was building up on the plane was now subsiding, I began to realize “wow, this is it. I’m doing this, hell yeah!”
All my fears seem so small now. I can do this, I know I can do this, I’ve always known I could do this. I’ll have a routine again in Australia, and I’ll have normalcy. But for now, I’m going to enjoy not knowing what each day holds. Today, I’m sitting outside at a cafe drinking a cold brew coffee, and writing this post. The sun is shining, the air smells like a mix of flowers and coffee, and people are conversing everywhere. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll go for a hike, or explore more of downtown San Diego? I don’t know what each day holds, and that’s the best part about this trip; I’m allowing myself to be free and open to each experience I have.